Weekly Trump Update: Crypto reserve, Tariff Tantrums & Zelensky’s Oval Office Meltdown

Daddy Trump’s back, and this week’s chaos served up crypto crack binges, trade war tantrums, and Oval Office screaming matches hotter than your ex’s drunk texts. If you thought his Twitter days were wild, buckle up, 2025 Trump ain’t holding back. So let's dive in to this weeks Trump watch, we have 3 topics to cover:

1️⃣ Daddy Trump’s new crypto reserve

​On March 2, 2025, ur boy President Donald Trump decided it was time for the U.S. to get its grubby mitts on some crypto and announced plans to establish a U.S. Crypto Strategic Reserve, aiming to position the United States as the "Crypto Capital of the World." Trump wants to build a “U.S. Crypto Strategic Reserve”, stocking up on Bitcoin (BTC), Ethereum (ETH), XRP, Solana (SOL) , and Cardano (ADA).

The moment this dumpster fire of an announcement hit, Bitcoin pumped 10% like a bloodhound on steroids sniffing coke, all the way to $95k, before immediately faceplanting to $85,850. (MarketWatch) Similarly, Ethereum saw a 13.6% increase on Sunday, followed by a 15.7% drop on Monday. ​Experts — aka the same clowns who missed the 2008 crash — are calling this “absurd” and “dangerous” for the dollar. Questions have arisen regarding the funding sources for the reserve, its intended size, and its potential use in repaying federal debt. Critics also point out the lack of clarity surrounding the reserve's operational details and its impact on the broader financial system. ​

To address these concerns and outline the administration's strategy, a White House cryptocurrency summit is scheduled for March 7, 2025. So basically there will be a White House Crypto Circle Jerk Summit coming, where presumably they’ll try to explain how buying sh*tcoins makes the USD stronger. Can’t wait.

2️⃣ Tariffpocalypse 2.0: Trump goes full trade war

You know Trump’s back in office when he’s slapping tariffs on literally everyone who breathes.

Tariffs on Canada and Mexico

On March 3, 2025, Canada & Mexico got hit with a 25% tariffs on everything they send to the US because apparently drug cartels are hiding fentanyl inside maple syrup and avocados. (NYPost). Trudeau called the whole thing "very dumb" , which is the most Canadian way of saying "go f*ck yourself." Ha accused the U.S. of initiating a trade war. Canada responded with retaliatory tariffs on over $20 billion of American imports, with plans for additional measures in the coming weeks. ​ (The Times) Mexico’s pissed too, they’re slapping tariffs on U.S. pork, whiskey, and other essential American freedoms. (The Times)

Tariffs on China

China got hit with double tariffs, now at 20%. In response China fired back and imposed retaliatory tariffs on U.S. imports, including soybeans, pork, and beef f*cking U.S. farmers directly in the soybeans. (Business Insider) Markets reacted like you’d expect — S&P 500 yeeted itself down 3% in two days because Wall Street’s still allergic to uncertainty. And just for sh*ts and giggles, Trump signed an order to match tariffs with whatever other countries charge the US. So, if France slaps 40% on Levi’s, they slap 40% on their wine. Tit-for-tat, or as Trump probably calls it, "art of the tariff deal." (Reuters) These developments mark a significant shift in U.S. trade policy, with potential long-term impacts on international trade relations and the global economy.​ This Tariff's war is better than the Kardashians so all I can say is:

3️⃣ Trump vs. Zelensky: the most awkward oval office date ever

If you thought your Tinder dates were bad, wait till you hear how Trump and Zelenskyy went from "let’s work together" to "f*ck you and your whole army" in under an hour. On Feb 28, Zelenskyy rolled up to the Oval Office to sign a minerals deal, handing the U.S. a cut of Ukraine’s rare earth goodies. But like every reality show Trump’s ever starred in, it turned into a screaming match. (NYPost)

Trump told Zelenskyy to sit his ass down and negotiate peace with Putin, probably over. When that didn’t go well, Trump hit pause on all U.S. military aid, because what’s a little extortion between frenemies? Zelenskyy called the whole thing "regrettable," which is diplomatic-speak for "this was a sh*itshow". He reiterated Ukraine's readiness to engage in peace negotiations and emphasized the nation's desire for constructive cooperation with the United States. ​Europe’s trying to play peacemaker, with figures such as French President Emmanuel Macron and German Chancellor Olaf Scholz lining up behind Ukraine like drunk uncles at a wedding fight. The EU is apparently drafting a peace plan to drag Trump back to the table. Good luck with that. The international community and media continues to monitor the situation closely, hoping for a peaceful and sustainable resolution.​ so once again all I can say is: