The Weekly Trump Update: Epstein Client List, Tariffs, with a Side of Football Bullsh*t

Another week, another Trump-fueled sh*tshow. From billion-dollar lawsuits, culture war cryfests to fresh-ass tariffs, the Big Don is out here reminding us he’s still the main character of American politics. Whether you love him, hate him, or just enjoy watching the world burn with a cold beer and an X feed, this week had it all. So buckle up, because here’s your Weekly Trump Update, the good, the bad, and the deeply unhinged.

1. Trump sues the Wall Street Journal for $10 Billion (Yes, With a B)

The Big Don is back in court, but this time he’s the one doing the suing. Donald J. Trump just dropped a nuclear lawsuit on The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch, and a couple of reporters who dared to publish a story claiming he sent a vulgar birthday card to none other than Jeffrey f*cking Epstein. The card allegedly said “you’re just getting started” with a winking face. Trump called it a fake, a fraud, and a malicious smear. His legal team says the whole thing was “concocted for clicks” and slapped them with a $10 BILLION defamation suit. That’s ten with nine zeros. Trump’s ego doesn’t come cheap.

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But wait, there’s more. In true “if I go down, I’m taking everyone with me” fashion, Trump is demanding the Department of Justice unseal grand jury records from the Epstein case. He wants to know who’s protecting who, and he’s hinting that some big names are going to get dragged into the mud with him. This ain’t just a court case, it’s a f*cking mud wrestling match in a courtroom, and Trump’s swinging elbows. Whether he wins or loses, one thing’s for sure: the drama is only just getting started.

2. Tariffs are back, baby, say Hello to the 15% Japan tax

The “Tariff Man” has risen once again. On July 22, 2025, Trump rolled out fresh new tariffs like they’re goddamn Pokémon cards. This time, Japan and the Philippines are the unlucky contestants on The Price Is F*cked. Japanese imports are getting slapped with a 15% tax, and Filipino goods are facing a 19% hit. Why? Because Trump says it’ll create “hundreds of thousands of jobs.” Yeah sure, right after your local electronics store triples the price of your Samsung TV and instant ramen becomes a luxury item.

The move mirrors similar deals he’s struck with Indonesia, as Trump tries to play 4D chess with international trade. Problem is, consumers are the pawns, and they’re getting steamrolled. Economists are already warning this will jack up prices and create chaos in global supply chains. But hey, in Trump World, “winning” just means “look busy, blame China, and tax everything that isn’t nailed down.” If your paycheck buys less next month, you know who to thank.

If you want to lear and understand the whole trade war timline take a look:

Everything You Need to Know About The 2025 Trade War (Complete Timeline)

3. pulling out of UNESCO (Again), cuz it’s “too woke”

Just when you thought Trump’s international beef list couldn’t get any longer, he’s pulled the U.S. out of UNESCO, again. Daddy rump said that the United Nations’ cultural agency is now “woke” and too chummy with China. He also added that UNESCO is pushing a globalist agenda, and instead of funding education, science, and culture, they’re busy virtue signaling about climate change and colonialism. Basically, they talked too much about brown people and melting glaciers, so Trump told them to go f*ck themselves.

This isn’t the first time he yanked the U.S. out, he did it back in 2017, and Biden rejoined in 2023. But now they are out again. The UNESCO’s came forth with a statement and basically: “We’ll survive.” Trump’s made it clear: if you’re not waving an American flag, grilling a steak, and refusing to use someone’s pronouns, you don’t get U.S. funding.

5. Trump’s war on woke hits… football teams

In this week’s episode of “Who the F*ck Asked for This,” Trump is demanding the Washington Commanders change their name back to the Redskins. Oh, and while he’s at it, he wants the Cleveland Guardians to go back to the Indians. Yes, this is real. And yes, he’s even threatening to block stadium approvals unless the teams comply. Because nothing screams “Presidential Priorities” like forcing billion-dollar sports franchises.

Trump says it’s about “tradition” and “not giving in to the woke mob.” But let’s be honest, this is just red meat for his fan base. Just like changing the names back then was bait for woke libtards, changing them now is bait for MAGA bros. If you guys allow a personal opinion, these kinds of news stories make headlines that matter close to f*cking none. But the masses start arguing about it on X. Blue-haired they/thems who never watched football, and MAGA red hats who’ve never even been out of Texas start going at it instead of focusing on the real issues. That’s why the economy is f*cked. That’s why we’re on the verge of a collapse, not just in the US but globally.

If you take anything away from Bearman Brothers, I hope it’s this: pop culture is good and all, I also enjoy recent memes making fun of both MAGA and liberal crybabies, but please focus on the big picture.

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